Today, I had to say good-bye to him. People who have never had to leave what they love say, “It will all work out.” “Everything will be okay”. “Time will heal you”.
maybe, eventually.
Everything being okay takes years to establish. You have to relearn life without that warm spot next to you. You have to rebuild yourself into a world that no longer has the part of you that you could be with that best friend.
It was an end we knew was coming. He was graduating. I was staying. He was going out into the world, head first, ass bared, and I was already there. Our real worlds weren’t even in the same neighborhood.
These last few days were like the build up to my execution. Yesterday my head was chopped off, today were those milliseconds it rolled on the earth and my brain still processed my eyesight.
Dressed in his graduation robe Kipp said to me on the way out the doors “do you want me to moon you so you can laugh?”
I did laugh and that was our goodbye.
Once again I was in a place where nobody knew me. Is there any point to being completely unknown?
I watched him take each step down the walkway, the giant empty building whirred with frantic silence and each step he took away from the haven we created thundered in my ears like a close approaching storm.
Kipp didn’t seem to mind leaving. He was more upset that he didn’t have a job or a foot in the door, a significant other. What he considered ‘necessities’. He’d never been alone. His whole life was him fitting in; even if he did fake it, he had them all fooled. They all wanted a piece. He’d never felt absolute loneliness before. Legitimate, genuine, sleep-to-fill-the-time, no-one-will-call, eat-at-the-kitchen-sink, ALONE.
Although we understood so much about each other he’ll never comprehend the amount of me that became realized by his presence. Kipp took away the solitary confinement sentence I was carrying out. Kipp didn’t have just me the way I had just him.
Barring one exception. I was married.
To Sid.
Sid and I never did anything. He liked his basement and his computer and his cat. I told him I had to leave the house sometimes and that I wanted to go to museums and have friends. I liked living. The more spontaneous I became the less Sid participated. He was a mad toddler that wouldn’t come to the dinner table; he stated the way he wanted it to be and he wasn’t budging. My needs ate him alive. I know how culpable, yet betrayed he felt.
So in my youth I was old and married and slept with a man whose back I used hair removal products on. I didn’t know what I was missing because, at the time, I wasn’t missing anything. Had our own house, 3 bedrooms, cobblestone patio, basement that was going to be turned into an entertainment room. For a while I was really happy–who expects it all to slide down shit hill so soon?
It was love that eventually wrecked us. He really loved me and I hurt him beyond repair. His disrepair was a fire breathing dragon that led him to inflict pain. He had no control of where the pain went. The flames seared through him like his insides were made of Hells own embers.
He wanted all the hurt there was to have because the irreconcilable pain kept him focused on his hate and anger. He was fixing to light his life on fire.
One AIM conversation with one boy. That was our demise.
Didn’t entire cities burn for Helen of Troy? Sid & I torched our love and like a tire fire it smoked and choked out bulging goiters of soot. The only extinguisher was nature taking its course. Keep in mind, a cat pouncing on a nest of baby bunnies is a course of nature. People dismiss entire phases of emotions throughout life as, “letting nature take it’s course”. As if nature isn’t the cruelest form of torture; it’s not all old people fading to death peaceful-like.
I was basting away in my guilt. It soaked through my pores, in tenderized my insides but not enough to make me want to become a hermit.
It was my journey to find myself that ultimately caused Sid’s demise. He quit coming home, he started doing drugs and schizophrenia surfaced.
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